This helped me so much after I ended the relationship with MM. After, 10 months of NC, I resonate with the bottom portion most. I was so unhappy and the chronic depression has left!
Today is my first day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:
1. He is MARRIED, which is to say he CHOOSES to remain COMMITTED to his WIFE of 20+ years. He is not married to me and will never be, he has not chosen to be with me, he is not committed to me.
2. No more GUILT about being the other woman, a homewrecker and a cheat. No more burying the shame of my secret participation in the destruction of another woman's life. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.
3. No more FEAR of being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more cringing with horror when the man I love accidentally calls me 'baby' in public, no more checking for cameras in elevators before kissing, no more going to backwater restaurants and dive bars, where nobody else we know would go.
4. No more FALSE EXPECTATIONS. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only; no more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary man. No more fake life, no more pretending.
5. No more booty calls. No more feeling like a sex object, a lover-come-callgirl, a comfort woman. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching him wipe my scent from his body, pull on his socks and pants and shirt and tie so he can go home to eat dinner with his wife. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.
6. No more SCRAPS. No more being a mistress, coming second and getting seconds. No more trying to make a relationship happen in the time leftover from his marriage and his work. No more 15 minute phone calls while he is out walking the dog, no more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, no more getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if he can come over, no more waiting for him to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.
7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his shitty marriage. I will no longer listen to him criticize his wife and complain about how awful she is, and then stand by as he chooses to stay with her again and again, ignorant to how much the charade hurts me. No more comforting him because she gives him no comfort, listening to him because she doesn't listen, no more loving him because he chooses to stay in a loveless marriage. I will no longer be the woman who makes it possible for him to have his cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so he can live a life and a half.
8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression ignored, my feelings punched and twisted like a tetherball. No more dinners and lovemaking and clandestine trips during which the sharp gauntlet of 'the affair' looms over me, even at the best of times. No more wondering about whether to issue an ultimatum, whether we could be happy together, whether I could trust him. No more one-sided commitment, no more unrequited love.
9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more supressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house with me and have babies with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a man in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life WITH ME. He is out there, and we are going to find each other.
Instead:
10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.
11. I am building a REAL LIFE. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the back alleys and cold in-betweens of HIS life. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine, for all to see. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life; I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces he is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on the fickle decisions of a married man who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.
12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.
13. My chronic DEPRESSION IS LIFTING. I am no longer trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere, there are no more emotional no-go zones in my soul, I am no longer burdened by guilt and shame. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.
14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and fantasize about finding a man who will ask me to marry him, who will father my children, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating men who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine
