ClubTOW

I agree that it probably started out as a fog but no one can tell me, that after all this time, it's not love.

I think we have both been more to each other than our respective spouses ever have, each of us filling up the other with what has always been lacking in our Ms.

If not for a blib in the past we'd likely be together now.  If it makes the BS feel better to call it a fog and not real love then I'll give them that.

It felt like love to me. At least love as I understood it at the time. In retrospect, I am now understanding we had limited intimacy. Was our relationship 'fake', in a fog, fantasy? It felt genuine to me. However, it seems there were some subconscious behaviors going on -certainly on my side of the relationship. I am facing that now & trying to come to terms with my personal growth. Ever look in the mirror?

To those of you who are betrayed spouses considering joining ClubTOW:  ClubTOW is not a forum for betrayed spouses; there are a number of forums/websites where a betrayed spouse can find support, including the one many of you already belong to.  (Yeah, we know about that! )

If you are a betrayed spouse and seeking support, we wish you well, but please understand ClubTOW is not a place that can (or will) offer solace to you.  The affair partner in your situation is not here.  Your wandering spouse is also not here. 

Focusing attention on the affair partner (OW/OM) is a waste of your time and won't get you any closer to healing. Your time would be better spent working on rescuing or repairing your marriage. You won't find any type of understanding you may be hoping for here. 

There was a recent essay in the New York Times, "What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity", that I've been meaning to post for discussion.  It's marginally affair-related, although the author of the piece wasn't really involved in an all-encompassing affair. 

There were sections of the piece that resonated pretty strongly for me and what I imagine (as well as what I know, or think I know) about my MM's home life. 

But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is essential to our health and well-being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most? If our primary relationship nourishes and stabilizes us but lacks intimacy, we shouldn’t have to destroy our marriage to get that intimacy somewhere else. Should we?

<snipped section>

After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection. He said he wanted to be close to his wife but couldn’t because they were unable to get past their fundamental disconnect: lack of sex, which led to a lack of closeness, which made sex even less likely and then turned into resentment and blame.

I'm not saying this is MM's and BW's "issue(s)", but can see where this kind of domino effect could be pretty devastating in a primary relationship.  (And conversely, how being openly communicative and non-judgmental works for making the relationship MM and I have much closer ... and sexually quite compatible.)  Frankly, from my perspective open communication needs to be in place or there's little point in sex, or lack thereof. 

Anyway, like the author of this piece I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time I met MM ... and don't think MM was looking for a relationship either.  But eventually, that is what we ultimately found in one another. 

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According to this "INSIDER" article, the NYT essay is a small part of a longer article/book:

A lot of this nuance was eliminated, Jones said, because the piece was originally much longer — as part of a chapter in a larger book — and had to be cut down from 10,o00 words to 1,500. "There were some things that had to be taken out of the [New York Times] piece, which I feel bad about," Jones told INSIDER. "A lot of people thought I was blaming the wives, but I wasn't."

I'd be curious to read the book when it comes out ... but have no idea whether it's a compilation by various authors, or a book by Karin Jones.

The INSIDER article has some interesting perspectives from psychologist Wendy Walsh as well.

Raises hand and holds head in shame .... 

I never ever threatened to tell. It never crossed my mind.
I have just as much to lose as xMm did.
We both have families and we never made plans to be together outside of what we were doing.

But in a single moment of pure anger and hurt, I exposed our affair.

For anyone reading this who may not know what to do or sees that maybe it would help; the odds are not in the favor of the messenger.
I learned real fast that xMm's loyalty was to his wife. His wife who I had just stabbed in the heart without even thinking of the consequences.
I betrayed him worse than he could have ever betrayed me.
I threw him under the bus.

1. If you're a good person in your heart and you have somewhat of a moral compass - you will regret doing this.
2. He isn't going to come running in to your arms after you just tossed him to the wolves and broke his wife's heart.
3. It could very well unite them and their marriage has a very high chance of recovering from what he will very likely describe as the biggest mistake of his life and a fling that didn't mean anything.

It is not worth it.

2 reasons I would ever tell a Bs. Maybe an STD but probably she's going to find out on her own in a very humiliating way anyway. So why do i need to tell her this?
If I have asked him to leave me alone and he just keeps on finding ways around me blocking him.
I would probably use it as a threat first and if it didn't work I would follow through.

It just never is a good idea.