ClubTOW

 

4 stars out of 4     thanks for sharing this with us Hope!

 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/love-is-not-an-emotion/

Love Is Not An Emotion

As I went through another break-up and some friends left, I was feeling alone.

I began to ask myself what this business of love is all about.

It seems to me that we have put great limits on our self expression when we chose to express ourselves through such words as love.

When I think of emotions like sadness, or even anger, it’s pretty clear. When I am sad I cry, my energy is low, I procrastinate, I sleep too much or not enough, I have little will and I tend to turn into myself. I change physically and mentally and I have little control.

The same can be said when I am angry sometimes there are tears as well, my body shakes, I have a vibration around my head and chest, my voice raises beyond my awareness of it, my scalp feels hot, my muscles tense and sometimes I lose control.

But what of love?

I have experienced a longing for certain people in my life. When they were not with me I thought frequently of them, my energy spiked when in their presence. Often other feelings of joy and lust were aroused when thinking about or in the presence of the one I thought I loved.

After a lot of soul searching, I realised there was a gap in my life, in my existence. I had a longing. Something within me was not fulfilled. I felt vulnerable and exposed.

It has taken me all my adult life, and many affairs and relationships to realise that what I was claiming for myself as love, was often need.

A need to be accepted, to be wanted, to fit in, to be normal, a need to be worshipped, to be adored. Perhaps I lacked something in childhood or perhaps I just lacked something in myself. I wasn’t sure, but the more I examined my past, the more I came to the conclusion that love is not an emotion. All of those feelings in my heart area, and my stomach and all of those desires, were not in fact love.

When I managed eventually to look up the meaning of the word emotion, many of the definitions spoke about mental states and feelings. They referred to joy, sorrow, anger. I didn’t see any that referred to love. That is not to say they don’t exist.

Everyone wants to experience love. Many people think they are in it. When they are not in it, they want to be in it. Some people have even told me they are it. I have been told that “God,” whatever you understand by that term, is love. I have been told to love myself first. I have been asked if I love people and I have told people I love them.

So it would seem that love is a place or thing to be in, an action that can be done—something semi-religious or spiritual. That is, according to other people, to my experience so far, or to the laws of the universe so to speak. Is this enough of an explanation of what love is?

Not for me.

Recently I spoke with a friend who was going through a difficult break-up. She wanted to be in love. She told me she missed being in love. I was struck that it didn’t matter who with. The other wasn’t even important. What was important was the feeling she was missing.

It’s a feeling I had when I was a teenager and saw a beautiful girl. I still have that feeling, that wow moment, where my judgement is clouded and all I can think about are her beautiful eyes, skin, mouth, breasts or legs in front of me, the tone of her voice as it washes over me.

All that is just the wrapping of another human being and not anything to do with their morality, their politics, their judgement-calls in life. So I ask myself, how can I love a person I don’t even really see when I am looking at them? For me this is not love.

This is attraction—even passion or lust, but this is not love. Many theologies accept we are created in the image and likeness of God and that God is love. I don’t claim to be God. But I wouldn’t mind being Love.

That sounds a damn fine thing to be able to say in this world. “Hi, I am Love.”

The question then arose: how could I be Love? Which again gave rise to the previous question: what is Love?

The answer I have found is that Love is not that rise in temperature when someone you are attracted to is in your space or thoughts. It’s not the loss of appetite or the excitement of an encounter. It’s not a short skirt and heels or a rippling bicep and how we may react to them.

Those are feelings alright, but they are not Love. It is certainly not that feeling of need we have for the other. I have given myself over to many relationships and in hindsight I learned that I stayed too long, or I took abuse I should not have taken, or I was co-dependant or needy, or lots of other not-too-healthy stuff.

At the time I was telling myself I loved the other actively, and this was why I stayed.

I realise now that what I was doing was avoiding myself. I was avoiding being alone, I was avoiding the deep inner work that I needed, and even desired, to allow me to evolve and learn and find my place on this planet.

I was actively not loving myself while trying to love the other. There in was my answer, or part of it.

Love is an action. Love is not something we feel, it’s something we do.

Like all actions Love requires a decision. We don’t fall hopelessly in love. We make a decision to jump and sacrifice our power and our logic and our decision-making processes. We abandon ourselves and jump into the other.

It’s often why people become unsatisfied in relationships because what they are searching for in the other, or demanding in the other, they are not giving to themselves. These unhealthy relationships only last so long before becoming destructive.

I am now a single man. I am consciously trying to love myself daily. I try to de-program the expectations of society. I have plenty of love to give. Which would imply that love is something more than action and decision and so my conclusion is this.

When I love you, I make a decision to accept you as I find you. I make a decision to create space for you in my universe. I create an invitation for you to step in and stay here for however long is comfortable. I celebrate you actively. When you step away, I continue to look after myself and I appreciate the moment for what it was and look forward to the next one.

I will not lose sight of myself or my path, for I truly believe the best way I can love you, is by loving myself and tending to my garden. So that when you come it’s a beautiful place that you might want to linger in a little longer each time.

Love is the clear, strong, decisive action of giving and caring based in a deep respect for both persons involved in the relationship no matter how intense or light, or long or brief that relationship may be.

That doesn’t really describe an emotion now does it?

Need a like button!

   <-- the like button. 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/why-she-finally-left/

Why She Stayed.

She was once happy where she was. There were infinite possibilities—the love they shared was deep and powerful—she was desperate to rekindle that.

In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as they were exploring new things together and she was learning so much about herself.

She remembered the fun they used to have and how fulfilled she was. He was everything she thought she wanted.

Her friends and family used to comment on how happy she was, as if they were envious of the joy she radiated. They wanted it too, or so she thought.

When things started to change, and the feelings began to dissipate, she wondered where she went wrong. She was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.

She was upset with herself, that she was somehow to blame.

She felt that staying showed her commitment and she was worried that she may leave too soon and live to regret it.

She waited for things to get better. She stayed optimistic that things would change.

She questioned many times if she should leave. That was the first sign that she should.

So instead, she looked for signs that she should stay. And sometimes when she looked hard enough, she found them.
She knew, in some ways that she was settling, but still she questioned if there would be anything better.

Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse, she would justify.

She felt some safety in knowing what to expect, as if being comfortable brought happiness. It didn’t.
She had many ways to rationalize why she should stay.

She was scared about what she was giving up, and worried about what she may lose if she left.
But she didn’t consider what it was costing her to stay.

She started to uncover the courage and strength that she knew she always had. She weighed the risks.

Now, she was tired. She was defeated. She was resentful. She had given up her own power and happiness and she knew it was too far-gone.

She spoke to friends and she built up a tribe around her. They supported her. They always did.

She remembered how much potential she had and how the choice to stay was hurting her.

She let go of the guilt and blame that she had done something wrong. She hadn’t.

She finally had enough. She realized that it was no longer serving her. It was making her sad, hurt and frustrated.

She had given until there was nothing left to give. She wanted to smile and laugh again, like she did when it first began.

She knew it was inevitable that she would leave, but she didn’t know when. She didn’t know how. She knew she was stalling.

But she wondered what she was waiting for.

But finally, she left. The sadness became too much, the stress too overwhelming and the hurt enclosed her.

It was time to move on and she had found the strength. She realized that the only one holding her back was herself.

She was terrified of the aftermath. How would she cope? Who would she be without this part of her life that she had held onto for so long?

She picked herself up, she found the courage and she believed in herself. She knew she was strong, she knew she would survive.

She thought back to who she was before she weakened and how amazing and accomplished she was. How she lived her life without fear—she felt joy and passion. She found inspiration in that.

When it was all said and done, it was like a breath of fresh air. And she smiled again. Just like she knew she would.

She survived and she proved her strength. Not to anyone else, but to herself. She became aware of how much she had sacrificed and how unhappy she had been.

Life started to unfold around her and happiness began to pursue her. She didn’t need to reach for it with outstretched arms like she thought.

Happiness found her.

She still holds onto the happy memories, but she decided she deserved to be unconditionally happy. She decided that her life was worth pure bliss and that she didn’t need to rationalize her choices any longer.

For all of the amazing women of the world, may you find the strength and the courage to live the life of joy you are worthy of and finally take that breath of fresh air.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/what-love-shouldnt-feel-like/

Love shouldn’t feel like isolation. It shouldn’t tuck you away on a shelf like an old book.

Love shouldn’t make you feel miserable or sad. It shouldn’t bring your soul discomfort where agonies lie.

Love doesn’t allow tears to stream down your face like a river flowing after a heavy rainfall.

Love shouldn’t feel like anger. You shouldn’t become a volcano that hadn’t erupted in years.

Love shouldn’t feel like constant doubting. It shouldn’t feel like betrayal.

Love shouldn’t feel like losing who you are. You shouldn’t compensate and bend back more than you can.

Love shouldn’t feel like you’re taken advantage of.

It shouldn’t feel like judgment.

Love shouldn’t feel like a prison where you count your days to become free again.

Love shouldn’t feel like you’re giving but getting nothing in return.

Love shouldn’t make you feel incomplete. It shouldn’t mess with your innate completeness. It shouldn’t play games with your self-confidence.

Love shouldn’t feel like h*ll.

Love shouldn’t feel like over-analyzing and over-thinking. It shouldn’t let you become your toxic mind.

Love cannot let you experience any of these things. Only a person can.

Only a person can let you become confused, isolated and miserable.

Only a person can make you cry and become enraged, and doubt and feel betrayed.

Only a person can make you lose yourself and who are you.

Only a person can take advantage of you and judge you.

Only a person can make you feel as if you are a prisoner who is giving too much.

Only a person can make you feel incomplete, with self-confidence issues, and living in a place similar to hell.

Only a person can let you over-think.

Love, on the other hand, is beautiful.

Love is heaven on earth.

It feels like sailing on calm waters. It is a Titanic that can never sink.

Love should feel like security, safety and comfort. It should feel like smiling.

It should make you feel special. It should make you feel like you’re one in a million.

Love is becoming one—It is happiness. It is kindness. It is compromise.

Love should feel like a warm sea where you can never grow tired of swimming.

It is all the wonderful things in this world.

Only when a person can give this kind of love, will he be able to become love itself.

Love can never become a person. But a person can become love.

That ball that bounces from your hand to their hand, can one day enter your souls.

And when it does, don’t lose it.

It only metamorphosis once.