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81
Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: From the perspective of the "Other Man"
« Last post by Hidden on September 11, 2016, 12:05:58 PM »
Interesting.  I'd read the last 'story' previously, found in part of this article: "Why I’d Never Be ‘the Other Man’ Again: A Confession".
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The Cafe at ClubTOW / The definitive affair support forum
« Last post by Hidden on August 28, 2016, 12:56:01 PM »
Admittedly, I hadn't realized I'd had a need for an "affair support forum" until a few years ago.  I'd already had an ongoing relationship with my AP (affair partner) for a little over a decade before even thinking of searching the internet for "betrayed spouse" support forums.  It seemed perfectly reasonable to me for there to be online forums for the "betrayed spouse" (BS) to gain support from others who have similar circumstances and experiences to share.  At the time, I felt as though I was on the verge of yet another D-day (Discovery Day) ... and for some reason, I felt my MM's BS (oh, the acronyms* in these forums are cumbersome! Translation: my MM's BS = my married man's wife) might be participating in a BS support forum, and I spent way too much time lurking a few of the BS/infidelity forums thinking I would be able to identify her.  (Commentary: in retrospect, I'm doubtful she ever has participated in such a forum.  I probably wasted a lot of time, but also learned a bit too much about BS behavior following a D-day.)

Having lurked the BS forums, it dawned on me to search for an affair support forum to get support for my role in our affair ... and there seemed to be very few to choose from:  I found myself on a number of different websites, blogs, and forums trying to find a place where I believe I'd feel comfortable.  Some of the search results I'd followed were outdated and I found the forums long since dead, or in the process of dying.  At least one other forum I'd stumbled across and lurked around for awhile was most definitely not for the "other woman" (or "other man") in an affair at all, but instead was support for the betrayed spouse.

There was another forum that showed up in the results that I was somewhat appalled by (hint: The B52's once sang about "a little old place where we can get together") -- OW and OM were getting next to no support I could see, and the betrayed spouse(s) were able to post in the OtherMan/OtherWoman section of the forum.  I'm not sure whether they believed themselves to be delivering "tough love", but from my perspective it went well beyond being anything helpful.  I've lurked there again within the past few months, and while the support has improved marginally, it still doesn't seem like a welcoming or supportive forum for the participants in an affair.

When I'd discovered the predecessor to ClubTOW -- T.O.W. forum -- I was admittedly a little put off at first.  I'd registered to the site, but it was several days before my registration was approved.  (New members to ClubTOW are typically reviewed for approval in less than 24 hours currently; spammers are rejected routinely.) Once approved and able to sign into T.O.W. forum, I found that I had to give a brief introduction before gaining access to the rest of the forum.  It seemed like a lot of hoops to jump through just to gain support when I felt that I was about to experience (yet another) D-day, but in retrospect it makes sense -- I was a new unknown member; it's not as though other members could vouch for me as a legitimate OW from the start.  Just as the seemingly stern warnings and rules about "TMI" are there to protect not only the forum but each and every one of its members.

We carry on those traditions to this day to keep our members supported and protected.

When an affair is going incredibly well, it's hard not to have anyone you can share this relationship with.  Very few of us have real-life friends we can discuss such matters with.  My own affair partner will sometimes quote Ben Franklin "Three may keep a Secret, if two of them are dead."  ClubTOW offers a safe refuge to discuss what goes on with your own affair as well as to lend support to other OW (married/single other woman) or MM (married man).  Maybe you need support while NC/LC (no contact/low contact) with your affair partner.  People in love often feel a need to have their relationship publicly recognized, and that is often not a possibility with extramarital affairs.  And when an affair blows up in a D-day style, or simply needs to come to an end, it's not often something that can be shared with friends or family.  The "scarlet letter" mentality can persist even once the affair is over. 

There are also those who successfully transition to a relationship outside of the affair bubble, which can present other challenges not necessarily anticipated during the affair. 

If you've found this post, it was by design: much of ClubTOW forum is behind closed doors for privacy and protection of our members.  Various webcrawlers (Google, Bing Yahoo, etc.) do not have access to the heart of ClubTOW.  While we would love to be found by those who need affair support, we don't want to be found too easily either.   :whew:



*I found the acronyms a little difficult to get used to initially ... they get easier with time, but I rather enjoy the 'cast of characters' many of our members utilize in the forum.
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Articles & Recommended Reading / From the perspective of the "Other Man"
« Last post by Hidden on May 08, 2016, 06:15:41 PM »
17 ‘Other Men’ Explain What It’s Like To Have An Affair With A Married Woman (link)

I'd found this 'article' kind of intriguing.  It's a pretty quick read and doesn't get much into details, but there aren't many articles from a guy's perspective (either as OM or MM) on/around the internet. 

I get the feeling most of these are legitimate, although it's also possible they were all made up.  Thoughts?

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Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?
« Last post by Hope on February 23, 2016, 08:15:05 PM »
GG: Here's the link: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/painful-relationships-why-do-we-stay-stuck/      :)

OYF: I really believe that if it's hysterical it's historical. I also think that unless we face and deal with our past trauma we will keep repeating the unhealthy patterns and relationships. I am a big believer in Attachment Theory too. My parents were as emotionally available as rocks.

I am not remotely the same woman today that I was when I met Cam. Today's woman wants nothing to do with him.  :multistars:
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?
« Last post by Hidden on February 23, 2016, 02:28:33 PM »
Oy.  So true.  It's only recently that I've twigged that the way it was in the A with L... him saying he loved me and wanted to be with me, while his actions said different - reflected some childhood abandonment issues that got triggered when Bear and I split up.  No wonder I felt safe with him.  I felt like I did when I was seven.   Very, very familiar.
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?
« Last post by Hidden on February 23, 2016, 03:44:53 AM »
Is there a link?  A friend of mine could use this right now.
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?
« Last post by Hope on February 22, 2016, 09:09:28 PM »
I relate a lot to this article. For me, deprivation, emotional unavailability, insecurity and fear felt familiar. That was my whole life growing up and that is exactly what I got with MM. A full relationship that involved commitment scared me! Within the A, I had the illusion of control. How could he abandon me? He already had upfront, right? I had it handled, right? Until, I wanted out and I couldn't leave! The only way out for me was a whole lot of pain and a whole lot of help.
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?
« Last post by Hope on February 22, 2016, 08:57:09 PM »
“You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.” ~ Wayne Dyer

"In order to cut ties with pain, I think we must first work on loving ourselves and appreciating our own self-worth. We should know what we accept and what we don’t, what we deserve and what we don’t.

Personally, only when I nurtured self-knowledge and learnt to love myself, I realized what kind of relationship I deserve to be in." 


Painful Relationships: Why do we Stay Stuck?

I’ve been in unhappy relationships before.

When I look back now, I can clearly see that all of the effort that I poured into them wasn’t of benefit. Somehow, the relationship remained painful and destructive regardless of how hard my partner and I tried to fix it.

In some cases, I would instantly recognize the destructive pattern that the relationship had taken and quickly leave. In a few other cases, I would stay and try to hold on until I become completely depleted of energy.

Sadly, there were many situations where I failed to decipher the reason that had led me to linger far too long in a painful tie.

On the conscious level, there are plenty of reasons why I kept myself hooked in these unhappy patterns.

You see, sometimes, we stay because we hold out hope that the relationship will become auspicious or that our partner will change. Other times, we can’t leave because we are too attached to the person or the memories. And more often, fear of the unknown and fear of losing what we have at the present moment can keep us stuck forever in an unfathomable relationship.

The reason that made me cling to destructive and painful relationships wasn’t what I wanted to hear or realize, but it was certainly what I needed to know.

I think that we stay in unhappy relationships because we want to stay with the people who activate our pain.

And the reason is because pain is as intense and as tempting as happiness.

Pain is a desirable feeling that generates gratification, and so, we pursue the things that lead to it because they strengthen the sense of self that we hold. We basically want to be with people who give an absolute identity to whatever misery we are currently experiencing. In other words, they are the food to our pain.

Just like plants that need water to grow, pain needs people, situations and events to grow.

And when it grows, it becomes utterly destructive, both to ourselves and those around us. We become dramatic, negative and cynical.

For me, I became addicted to pain because it made me an unhappy, miserable, person who is unworthy of love. And only through my destructive relationship was I able to grasp at that identity.

I thought to myself many times, why would I need to be an unhappy, miserable, person who is unworthy of love?

The shocking answer is that because this is who I thought I deserved to be.

You see, our past painful experiences may have led us to this disastrous conclusion about ourselves but it is a truth that is difficult to consciously perceive.

We accept the situations, relationships and the people that we think we deserve.

If we have a closer look at our lives, we can easily recognize what we are today according to what people we surround ourselves with. It is our state of mind that choses the people we are currently with, whether they’re friends or family.

That being said, haven’t you ever wondered why you may have left a destructive relationship earlier than a peaceful one?

I know I have done this many times.

The truth is, we leave that relationship because we know we don’t deserve it. We were happy people who know exactly what we wanted and what we needed. Our state of mind basically chose who to be with.

We knew that we don’t deserve a partner who cheats on us, who treats us badly or who emotionally abuses us. And so, we left.

But as long as we stay, we are staying in what reflects our inner state.

I have stayed with a cheating partner for more than one year because frankly, I thought I deserved to be cheated on. I only left when I realized that I don’t deserve that particular unhappy relationship.

“You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are.” ~ Wayne Dyer

I think this is why happy people are in happy relationships and know how to stay away from pain even when things go off track. It is not because the relationship is happy—it’s because the people in it are.

They know what they want; they know what they deserve.

However, when we are in a painful state of mind, we will attract painful people and we will remain stuck with them because they provide the nutrition for our pain.

In order to cut ties with pain, I think we must first work on loving ourselves and appreciating our own self-worth. We should know what we accept and what we don’t, what we deserve and what we don’t.

Personally, only when I nurtured self-knowledge and learnt to love myself, I realized what kind of relationship I deserve to be in.

Also, I always remind myself that whatever I am accepting at this moment is a reflection of my own state of mind. If I’m happy, I won’t accept an unhappy relationship. If I’m unhappy, I will most certainly be in one.

I think that while we blame others for our own unhappiness, the truth is we are only using them to feed our suffering. However, the moment we decide that we don’t deserve to live in suffering, we will no longer use them as a tool that activates our dormant negativity.

When we glimpse pain, we will instantly leave because we know that it isn’t what we want.

We might stay in destructive relationships for years. We will stay for as long as we think that we need the destruction for our pain to grow.

Sometimes, we fail to behold this reality and it is completely okay. We will see the truth only when we know that pain can’t grow forever. It might take decades but eventually, we will come to notice that we have died throughout the process.

Know that once we start working on our inner being, the pieces of our outer being will fall into place.

Know what you deserve and live accordingly.

And more importantly, leave when you have enough of pain because pain will never serve you; at least it never served me.

~Author: Elyane Youssef
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Today is my first day of no contact -Author Unknown
« Last post by Hope on February 17, 2016, 09:37:27 PM »
This helped me so much after I ended the relationship with MM. After, 10 months of NC, I resonate with the bottom portion most. I was so unhappy and the chronic depression has left!


Today is my first day of no contact. Here are the reasons I will maintain it:

1. He is MARRIED, which is to say he CHOOSES to remain COMMITTED to his WIFE of 20+ years. He is not married to me and will never be, he has not chosen to be with me, he is not committed to me.

2. No more GUILT about being the other woman, a homewrecker and a cheat. No more burying the shame of my secret participation in the destruction of another woman's life. No more secrets and white lies and half-truths and endless, endless complications.

3. No more FEAR of being caught. No more sneaking around, worrying about who is watching and what they might have seen. No more cringing with horror when the man I love accidentally calls me 'baby' in public, no more checking for cameras in elevators before kissing, no more going to backwater restaurants and dive bars, where nobody else we know would go.

4. No more FALSE EXPECTATIONS. No more daydreaming about what could be, if only; no more fantasies about a future that exists only in my head. No more routine heartbreak, withered dreams, smothered hopes. No more loving an imaginary life with an imaginary man. No more fake life, no more pretending.

5. No more booty calls. No more feeling like a sex object, a lover-come-callgirl, a comfort woman. No more lying in bed still flushed from lovemaking and watching him wipe my scent from his body, pull on his socks and pants and shirt and tie so he can go home to eat dinner with his wife. No more feeling humiliated and used. No more.

6. No more SCRAPS. No more being a mistress, coming second and getting seconds. No more trying to make a relationship happen in the time leftover from his marriage and his work. No more 15 minute phone calls while he is out walking the dog, no more calling his cell and getting voicemail because he is with her, no more getting cut off because he has pulled into his driveway and he's 'home' now and can't talk to me anymore. No more hurried lunches or drive-by kisses. No more waiting to find out if he can come over, no more waiting for him to arrive, no more of this slapdash, slipshod relationship for me, no sir.

7. No more ENABLING and co-dependency. No more planning my life around his, no more feeling bad for him. No more taking on his burdens and 'helping' him work through the problems in his shitty marriage. I will no longer listen to him criticize his wife and complain about how awful she is, and then stand by as he chooses to stay with her again and again, ignorant to how much the charade hurts me. No more comforting him because she gives him no comfort, listening to him because she doesn't listen, no more loving him because he chooses to stay in a loveless marriage. I will no longer be the woman who makes it possible for him to have his cake and eat it too; I will no longer live half a life so he can live a life and a half.

8. No more EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. No more unspoken words and buried feelings, no more having my misery and depression ignored, my feelings punched and twisted like a tetherball. No more dinners and lovemaking and clandestine trips during which the sharp gauntlet of 'the affair' looms over me, even at the best of times. No more wondering about whether to issue an ultimatum, whether we could be happy together, whether I could trust him. No more one-sided commitment, no more unrequited love.

9. No more putting my dreams on hold. No more supressing my desire to build a public life with someone who loves me alone and is committed to me alone, who wants to live in a house with me and have babies with me, celebrate holidays and take vacations with me, cook dinner with me and cuddle up on the couch with me, go to bed beside me every night and wake up beside me every morning. I will no longer ignore the fact that I want a man in my life who wants to live a real, public, open life WITH ME. He is out there, and we are going to find each other.

Instead:

10. I am creating an HONEST life filled with honest, real, open relationships that nourish me. By maintaining NC, I can look myself in the mirror and respect the woman I see, because I know that I have integrity, I know that everything in my life is above-board, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer keeping secrets.

11. I am building a REAL LIFE. My life will no longer happen in the shadows, in the back alleys and cold in-betweens of HIS life. Henceforth my life will happen in the warm sunshine, for all to see. I am now living a real life, not a pretend life; I will live in the spaces I create for myself, not the spaces he is willing to make for me. I am no longer trapped in a fantasy, the fulfillment of which depends on the fickle decisions of a married man who has no incentive to act. I am living a real, honest-to-goodness life. MY life.

12. I am free to indulge in SELF CARE. I am reclaiming all of the energy I expended on him and on the affair, and pouring it right back into my own soul. I can read, write, do yoga, take hot baths, bake muffins, clean out my cabinets, go shopping, sit in the steam room at the gym, sleep in and relax -- all for myself, on behalf of myself, in support of myself. By releasing the affair, I am taking back my power.

13. My chronic DEPRESSION IS LIFTING. I am no longer trapped in a relationship that is going nowhere, there are no more emotional no-go zones in my soul, I am no longer burdened by guilt and shame. My heart is open, and I will feel more and more alive each day.

14. I can DREAM again! I can open my heart and fantasize about finding a man who will ask me to marry him, who will father my children, who will choose to build a life with me. I can actually start dating men who have the real-life potential to fulfill this dream of mine
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Articles & Recommended Reading / Re: Love Is Not An Emotion
« Last post by Hidden on February 12, 2016, 01:50:56 PM »
Quote
I will not lose sight of myself or my path, for I truly believe the best way I can love you, is by loving myself and tending to my garden. So that when you come it’s a beautiful place that you might want to linger in a little longer each time.

I especially LOVE this
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