ClubTOW

Previously posted ...

There's no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

"There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single."

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Updating to include text as link is now outdated.



It always disappoints yet amazes me the number of women and men who blame and hate on “the other woman” or “the other man”. Yes, affairs and cheating are heart-breaking, and for most couples, it’s the kiss of death.

It makes me cringe when I hear of the wife or girlfriend screaming at the other woman, blaming her, and asking how could she/he do this!? Don’t they have any respect? What normal person with morals would tempt a husband or wife?

Though I understand the pain of being cheated on (I’ve been through it myself), and I can understand that in those moments of vulnerability and pain, that we want to lash out at the “other woman”, it’s actually got nothing to do with the other woman.

There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single.

This is like constantly fearing you’re going to be robbed. Imagine what this would do to your state of mind. You may not always actively worry about someone stealing your man, but if underneath you have the idea that other women are threats to you, then your whole world is going to be unbalanced, and you will ultimately experience suffering within yourself and in your relationship.

Tell me, what exactly is the point of being in an intimate relationship if other people can threaten your position as husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend so easily?

The problem is that a lot of women fear the apparently more attractive woman having the ability to take their man. Take a look at the brouhaha surrounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

It’s easy for women to look at another woman, and think that her beauty, status and enchanting disposition are a threat. Then the jealousy ensues…..and the controlling behavior surfaces…..and worse still; women start to cause themselves suffering and pain. Regardless of whether or not someone like Angelina Jolie or the gorgeous girl next door have bad intentions with your husband or boyfriend, a successful and passionate relationship will thrive and remain strong.

I understand that another woman disrespecting your position as girlfriend or wife is disappointing, and yes, a lot of women do get a big rush from seeing if they can steal a man from a woman, and this is not right. I’m not making this behavior OK.

However, it’s ultimately about the relationship, and the man you are in a relationship with. It’s his decision to value the relationship. It’s his perception and values that matter in this situation. As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship. If you blame a third party for something that is ultimately your own responsibility – your relationship – then all hope is gone. You are supposed to have the power in a relationship, not a third party. A woman who knows the power of femininity knows this.

Other women are simply not threats and should not be to a loving and passionate relationship where there is a lot of attraction already. Ultimately, if we choose to see other people as a threat to our special relationship, then we cannot be empowered. We cannot do anything about it, and we’ll end up in disappointment.

Hint: know who you are in a relationship with. Don’t get in to a relationship with somebody whom you know doesn’t value their relationship as number one.

Do you think the notion of a home wrecker is an out-of-date idea?

Allow me to correct myself: I can't sneak around on some married guy who's at home with his wife and it's none of HIS business what or who I do. I also don't need to ask his permission.

Don't ask and he didn't. Smart man.

Basically, la la land was our rule but la la land didn't stop the pain, it only prolonged it.

I’m happy my husband married ‘the other woman’ (link)

This appears to be an "opinion" piece from the betrayed wife's (BW) perspective, so I would caution that it likely won't fit everyone's notion of how an affair ends.  Or that every BW will be "happy" in such a scenario.  Every marriage is different.  Every relationship is different.  Even every affair is different.  Many end sadly for at least one person involved.  But some can end happily. 

So I picked up the phone, and I called her.

In a handful of conversations, I ordered her to leave my husband alone. She wouldn’t. Instead she grew more steadfast in her position; she said he was hers now and there was nothing I could do to change that.

<snipped section>

During what would be his last visit home, he announced he was leaving me and I dropped to my knees and urged my cheating husband to stay. I was scared for the future and what life would be like without him. But more than that, deep down I knew that getting on a plane to try to save our marriage would do no good. My husband had already left the relationship. In fact, so had I. I just hadn’t realized it yet.

By that point our marriage had been deteriorating for years. While we had once been unable to get enough of each other, by this point we could barely tolerate each other’s company and walked through our lives as business partners more than anything else.

^ With respect to the bolded section: I'm uncertain that while in the marriage/relationship most people would come (easily) to this realization. 

It’s hard to say whether our marriage would have survived had this woman left us alone to repair it. I am inclined to say possibly in the short-term but likely not much longer than that. Even if the two of them had never met, I believe the lack of love and mutual respect my husband and I showed each other, especially in the later years of our marriage, would have eventually brought us to the same result. We would have divorced even if neither one of us had cheated.

During those early months when my marriage was unraveling, the very thought of this woman disgusted me. I saw her as an interloper, a trespasser and the catalyst that brought an already troubled marriage to its abrupt end. She was all of those things.

But she was also the impetus for me building a new life for myself, including a career I love. I hope now that I may one day spend my life with a man I love.

I like to believe everyone could be so honest with themselves. 

Very few of us have real-life friends we can discuss such matters with.

I know this feeling well.  I've just lost a real-life friend I'd been able to share a lot of details of my affair with -- she'd been (surprisingly) supportive and had been quite discreet with what is my secret.  Having access to this forum is helpful for those times I feel a need for a "friend" with a listening ear.