ClubTOW

TL;DR -- statistics regarding affairs and/or infidelity may be inaccurate. 

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People have a tendency to seek out statistics for all kinds of information that applies to them ... oftentimes searching for and interpreting results which reflect their point of view (confirmation bias).   Those of us in affairs may very well seek out such information, usually to get an idea of how the affair may end and/or to discover similarities with what the "norm" may be for various factors in one's own affair. 

Confirmation bias also applies to the source of information you may be reading on the internet: I Googled for some statistics to include in this post only to discover the website they were posted on was selling services for "private detectives".  As I couldn't find a source cited for the statistics listed, they could easily be in the 85% of made up statistics Abe Lincoln* describes, but could just as easily be accurate, or biased in order to sell private detective services to betrayed spouses.  (I'd also stumbled on older Ashley Madison stats I'm not using as in the aftermath of the 'hack' of the Ashley Madison site, it was discovered there were numerous fake accounts.)  Regardless, I'm limiting inclusion of statistics in this post, reliable or not. 

Inside ClubTOW, a member had once asked about success stories with the members of our board.  Depending on how "success" is defined, the answers were variable (for those wanting out of their affair, success was achieving an end to the affair; other members have married their affair partner and define that as success).  One member had the following response:

I know of at least 5 couples who were affair partners and are now married - one of them for over 20 years.  All of them had D-Days and either left spouses or were told to leave.  I can't say what percentage this is as obviously I don't know how many people in my social circle are/were having affairs in the first place.

As illustrated here, affairs typically aren't obvious in normal social circles; outside of a D-day occurring a divorce and subsequent marriage (to an affair partner) may fly completely under the radar.  (I've also known an affair couple who have now been married to each other for close to 30 years now; I don't recall many details although there likely was a D-day to realize they were affair partners to begin with.)

I believe one of the statistics for successful marriages that start as affairs is (or was) 2.5%, or maybe it was 10%.  Is it accurate?  I don't believe the statistic really matters as it doesn't take into account your own situation. 
(That said, statistics are generally unfavorable to affair partners marrying one another.)   

Actual affair statistics are skeevy IMO: infidelity/affair statistics have got to be the least reliable statistics in existence due to the very nature of the subject and the social taboos against it.  If polled, I believe many of us currently in affairs (especially if married) wouldn't fess up to it in the real world ... and if not fessing up to it, likely would matter not how it started, etc. 

What do you all think about affair/infidelity statistics?  Are they accurate?  Do they even matter? 




*For those of you outside the U.S., Abraham Lincoln had been President of the United States (elected in 1860, and assassinated in 1865) ... dying well before the advent of the internet.  Quotes attributed to him about the internet are satirical.

I was not aware of the affairs. I heard it was about advertising, business and tobacco. One nice thing I noticed thus far is the women get stronger as time goes on. One guy shows up with an offer to fly to Paris for the weekend and she says no, she has other plans.

Some people were talking about Mad Men recently. Though it came out years ago. I decided to give it a spin to see what all the hype was about. The show centers around Ad executives in the 1960's. The first few episodes in season 1 really glamorize affairs and I found it disturbing to watch. But I kept watching as I was told that it gets "better" and the characters develop. This is true, there is character development, and now I have completed season 1.
Anyway, I was curioius if anyone has watched it and what their thoughts are on it. I identify with several of the characters in the show. It triggered quite a bit, but I am glad I watched it. Not sure if I will carry on with it or not.

Well, I'm a hypocrite because I would definitely want to be told, and don't really care who does the telling. But hell no, I would never have told. I knew he was married. It would have felt like a terrible betrayal of his trust - and he was the one I had the "relationship" with, so that's where the loyalty has to lie.  Also, it would've reeked of sanctimony to me - how could I have told her, "He did this awful thing" so he got into trouble, when I was right along there with him?

The only scenario in which I could envision telling a spouse with a completely clear conscience (apart from STD - not sure about pregnancy, depends on circumstances) would be if he'd lied about being married, cos hell with those guys. There's a moral hierarchy amongst adulterers, just like in prisons, no? 

Imho, when an OW tells, it's either an EXTREMELY risky tactical strike, or it's spite.  I can understand - though not condone - both urges.

There have often been arguments about whether the BS should be told (or given all the details) about an affair his/her spouse is involved in: I've lurked some of the infidelity boards and have often seen the BS believing they should be given all the details of the affair by either the spouse or the affair partner, or sometimes both. 

My thought on this as an OW:    Nope.  Don't do it.  Leave it to the married/committed couple to assess their relationship.  (And is there any reason a BS would believe what I would tell her?  I could be telling a completely unvarnished truth, or a baldfaced lie.  I've often considered, too, that if asked, it is likely BS would already have her version of "the truth" in mind that anything I would say that contradicts what she has in mind would be discarded anyway.)

I've also seen the affair partner (often an OW) threatening to expose the affair to the BS.   From my perspective, that never turns out well, but are there times that it's appropriate?