ClubTOW

Affairs are definitely not "one size fits all" are they?   

I do think people seek out and participate in forums when they have needs specific to themselves: much like I did (seeking support when I felt as though I was about to endure another D-day), or like you did (seeking support to get out of your affair).  When all is going well, and/or "support" isn't required, it's human nature not to check in as much. 

I needed tough love and in no way did I need someone to tell me it was okay. It's was like going to a drunk drinking buddy to help me quit drinking.

Good analogy!    To me, tough love is a somewhat difficult concept, but mostly because I tend to prop up all my defenses if/when someone tries giving tough love in my direction.  But, I will tell someone that 'failing' is OK ... but in that way that a person will learn something from their failure (much like Bill Murray's character in "Groundhog Day"); that said, not everyone learns from their failings.   

I think your voice is valued here especially as someone who has successfully managed to extricate yourself from your affair.

As you know, I had to completely move to another shift. My therapists said most the women she's worked with have had to change jobs.

I do know the OW is often viewed the worst and it's sad. Everyone feels bad for the wife.

That was the saddest and loneliness time of my life. The forum helped but I needed support outside to really make any necessary changes. I was so terrified of being judged and I was judged.

What other qualities/support are desired in a forum for affair partners? 

The most grounded statistic that I read suggested that 10% of men actually leave their marriages, and only about a quarter of those wind up in a successful long-term relationship. So that's where the 10% and 2.5% come from.

Personally I found the statistics helpful as I weighed the decision to leave my own marriage. I had to be aware that there was a huge chance he would not follow through and leave his - and that even if he did, our chances of succeeding were low. Thus, I had to leave my marriage for ME, because I knew it wasn't working and wouldn't ever work, and not because I was holding out hope that it would be magically replaced by a new relationship.

The more helpful thing I read is that the people who leave their marriages for their partner are more motivated by hope than fear. THAT rang true to me as I considered my MM, one of the most hopeful and optimistic people I know. That's what ultimately made me feel more confident that the chances of HIM leaving were higher than 10%.

But I've even seen a situation where one of the most fearful men I know ultimately left his marriage, and without having had a D-Day. Unfortunately it took him years and years to do so, and the resentfulness his partner (who left her marriage for him years before he walked out) felt could have absolutely catapulted any chance they had at a happy relationship. She was smart enough to move out of the country for a few years and get her distance. That helped. Today they are married and expecting a baby.

So no statistic or theory tells the whole story for individual people.

"Actual affair statistics are skeevy IMO: infidelity/affair statistics have got to be the least reliable statistics in existence due to the very nature of the subject and the social taboos against it.  If polled, I believe many of us currently in affairs (especially if married) wouldn't fess up to it in the real world ... and if not fessing up to it, likely would matter not how it started, etc."

Totally agree. I would double, triple, or even quadruple any statistics on this subject. I cannot tell you the number of people who have come out of the woodwork with their own tales when I say something like, "Love wasn't divorced yet when we started dating."