ClubTOW

I think people in general are too idealistic when they marry, unless they wait until the "shine" has worn off a bit and are able to see each other very clearly. You can fully love someone and still be realistic that "shit happens", and make the deal that if in X years we're unhappy, we can annul this thing, remain friends (hopefully), and try again or stay single if we prefer. But again, people are so idealistic. I know one of my family friends got married and he has A LOT more assets than she, and he asked for a prenup, and she was very, very hurt. She still married him, but I think it really stung her because she took it as "you must not trust/love me as much as I thought you did". Well, he said, we do all that NOW, but what about 10 years from now? His brother had recently been taken to the cleaners in a divorce (no prenup), so I think it made sense in his mind to be super careful. I can still see how it would sting, but on the flipside, if you marry for love, then signing that prenup agreeing to not getting a dime if you [insert chosen offense] shouldn't be a problem...

I think people tend to believe that "knowing is power", so the person (their cheating spouse/partner in this instance) has, supposedly, the "upper hand" as they possess knowledge the BS doesn't have. But in reality, in the case of EMAs, I do believe that having knowledge of dirty details you can never unknow about your spouse (even if you choose to split up, if there are children involved, this will certainly provide years of resentment with every forced interaction). I initally made the mistake of giving my husband some information when he barraged me with questions, but quickly realized that the more he found out, the angrier and unglier he got, so I flat out lied or withheld information.

I also believe that NOTHING good can come out of "coming clean", and like BR, I've also inadvertently lurked BS sites (with the intent of finding support) where it's proclaimed that "the truth and nothing but the truth" is the way to go, supposedly because "otherwise you're living a lie". Well, if that's the reason behind deciding to shatter your "chosen one's" world, then the WHOLE truth should come out (and it rarely does), which is more or less that you found your marriage so unbearable for one reason or another, that you had to seek joy and fulfillment elsewhere. But instead, he MM/MW is framed entirely in a light of "betrayer" and the BS as "victim".

I made the mistake of engaging such a woman on a BS site, because she seemed so earnest about wanting to know "why", so I told her my theory of humans not being monogamous creatures by nature, and that marriage is a social construct created when our average life span was 30-40 years, and that spending 15-20 years with one person is one thing, while 50-60 years is quite another and often leads to frustration and resentment (and cheating). I also explained to her that I really loved the MM in my scenario, and that we were on most accounts a better match than our current spouses, and she completely lost it. She hurled every insult you can imagine, dug up every hurtful thing ("you're delusional if you think that's love", "you are nothing but a whore", etc.), which made me think I'd really struck a nerve - she's hellbent on believing her own narrative, and no amount if "information" or "truth" will satisfy or help people such as that. In fact, it made me feel sorry for her that she was that unable to see her own likely role in driving her husband away from her, because I doubt that sort of controlling, possessive behavior is new to her. There's also a lot of "communication is key" type advice, assuming that it hasn't been attempted. Like, dude, when you've tried Every. Single. Way. of communicating your issues and trying to resolve them with honesty and reciprocity, and NOTHING works. Oh, now that I've been caught having my needs met elsewhere suddenly "communication" and "honesty" is important?! But it wasn't when I was faithful and trying to do all the "right" things? 

I'd say, if you are intent on sacrificing your own happiness and the only life you're given to "save face" in front of friends, family, and neighbors and stay in your shitty marriage, you best continue to live a lie, through and through. Too many people prefer the comfort of the pain they know over the uncertainty of a future with a person who makes them feel alive, and a lot of this is framed as "you're just going to end up having the same problems in the next relationship again". It's like some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. I mean, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wasn't currently in that situation myself. My excuse? "Waiting for the right moment..." 

So that's the long version of "why telling the whole truth isn't always the best plan"...

I've just realized I hadn't discussed this much myself ...

Sometimes, it really is some sort of subliminal "fuck you".

^^ I think this sums up Dole's feeling for the hows and whys of our ending up in his home the times we had, although if ever asked, he likely wouldn't have recognized it. 

Initially, I'd found myself more nervous (rather than feeling guilt) to be there, but he was firm in us being in HIS house (rather than considering it as THEIR house). 

My R with Sun never felt like a typical A. It was real love from the start. It was a real relationship, perhaps not sanctioned by most of society, but real nonetheless.

Mine started out as purely physical.  He asked me if I wanted to play because I am single and he isn't getting any at home.  No expectations, no fog.  But the more time we spent together and the longer conversations we had, we ended up falling deeply in love.  Feels real to me.