ClubTOW
Public Forum => The Cafe at ClubTOW => Topic started by: Blue Rapture on April 23, 2017, 03:38:34 PM
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There have often been arguments about whether the BS should be told (or given all the details) about an affair his/her spouse is involved in: I've lurked some of the infidelity boards and have often seen the BS believing they should be given all the details of the affair by either the spouse or the affair partner, or sometimes both.
My thought on this as an OW: :no: Nope. Don't do it. Leave it to the married/committed couple to assess their relationship. (And is there any reason a BS would believe what I would tell her? I could be telling a completely unvarnished truth, or a baldfaced lie. I've often considered, too, that if asked, it is likely BS would already have her version of "the truth" in mind that anything I would say that contradicts what she has in mind would be discarded anyway.)
I've also seen the affair partner (often an OW) threatening to expose the affair to the BS. From my perspective, that never turns out well, but are there times that it's appropriate?
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The only reason I can think of is an STD or a pregnancy.
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Well, I'm a hypocrite because I would definitely want to be told, and don't really care who does the telling. But hell no, I would never have told. I knew he was married. It would have felt like a terrible betrayal of his trust - and he was the one I had the "relationship" with, so that's where the loyalty has to lie. Also, it would've reeked of sanctimony to me - how could I have told her, "He did this awful thing" so he got into trouble, when I was right along there with him?
The only scenario in which I could envision telling a spouse with a completely clear conscience (apart from STD - not sure about pregnancy, depends on circumstances) would be if he'd lied about being married, cos hell with those guys. There's a moral hierarchy amongst adulterers, just like in prisons, no? :slaplaugh:
Imho, when an OW tells, it's either an EXTREMELY risky tactical strike, or it's spite. I can understand - though not condone - both urges.
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The only reason I can think of is an STD or a pregnancy.
I can understand contacting a BS to relay information about an STD (though still no reason to provide all details of an affair in that situation), but imagine there would be many, many questions in that scenario.
I'm not certain an unplanned pregnancy as a result of an affair would necessarily need to be outed to the BS. I can imagine instances where it would be a questionable event, but think quite often that it could be explained away.
Well, I'm a hypocrite because I would definitely want to be told, and don't really care who does the telling.
I do agree ... and don't agree. :sneaking:
Upon a D-day, it's a reasonable expectation for the spouse to "do the telling" to the BS from my perspective. What s/he does - or doesn't - tell is on them, not the affair partner.
If the BS were to call me and get any conversation beyond "you'll have to discuss that with your spouse", what's to say that I'd tell the truth? Or would I embellish the truth for the BS? Again, and from my perspective, I would hate to lay out the truth for the BS and not be believed. (I've often felt it would be a moot point to have such a discussion with the BS in my situation as it's my belief she likely has her mind already made up as to what "the truth" is.)
I think it's a kind of human nature thing to want to know the details. But when/if told information you don't want to believe, how would one handle that? It seems a very slippery slope to me.
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I would say no, no, no! :no:
The STD/pregnancy thing does give me pause -- but I think, putting myself in the shoes of both the AP and the wife, I still say no.
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I happened to notice an article, (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/should-the-other-woman-ever-tell-a-wife-that-her-husband-is-cheating_us_5a847897e4b0ab6daf45419f) ("Should The ‘Other Woman’ Ever Tell A Wife That Her Husband Is Cheating?") on this very topic earlier today ...
Is Huffington Post relying on ClubTOW for article ideas? :slaplaugh:
I think the bottom line is that there is no one answer to this question.
(But I'd still not disclose details to the BS.)
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Raises hand and holds head in shame .... :-[
I never ever threatened to tell. It never crossed my mind.
I have just as much to lose as xMm did.
We both have families and we never made plans to be together outside of what we were doing.
But in a single moment of pure anger and hurt, I exposed our affair.
For anyone reading this who may not know what to do or sees that maybe it would help; the odds are not in the favor of the messenger.
I learned real fast that xMm's loyalty was to his wife. His wife who I had just stabbed in the heart without even thinking of the consequences.
I betrayed him worse than he could have ever betrayed me.
I threw him under the bus.
1. If you're a good person in your heart and you have somewhat of a moral compass - you will regret doing this.
2. He isn't going to come running in to your arms after you just tossed him to the wolves and broke his wife's heart.
3. It could very well unite them and their marriage has a very high chance of recovering from what he will very likely describe as the biggest mistake of his life and a fling that didn't mean anything.
It is not worth it.
2 reasons I would ever tell a Bs. Maybe an STD but probably she's going to find out on her own in a very humiliating way anyway. So why do i need to tell her this?
If I have asked him to leave me alone and he just keeps on finding ways around me blocking him.
I would probably use it as a threat first and if it didn't work I would follow through.
It just never is a good idea.
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:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
It was a mistake. Be kind to yourself, honey - being in an A can be absolutely crazy-making.
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That's a big HELL NO!
I wouldn't interact at all with the W if she contacted me. That's between MM and her. I wouldn't even give complete details to my H. I just can't see anything good or productive coming from it for anyone involved. Even in instances of pregnancy or STDs, I still wouldn't tell W. That's up to him.
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Never. I would never tell. The relationship is between me and him; it's the one thing about him that's mine.
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I've threatened it. I had lots of mean thoughts during our breakup last year. Mostly I wanted to anonymously send the pic of him and Jane to Bertha. I said "i am one chardonnay away from blowing your world up" I seriously wanted to do it, but was too scared of retaliation even though, that is not him and he probably never would.
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I think people tend to believe that "knowing is power", so the person (their cheating spouse/partner in this instance) has, supposedly, the "upper hand" as they possess knowledge the BS doesn't have. But in reality, in the case of EMAs, I do believe that having knowledge of dirty details you can never unknow about your spouse (even if you choose to split up, if there are children involved, this will certainly provide years of resentment with every forced interaction). I initally made the mistake of giving my husband some information when he barraged me with questions, but quickly realized that the more he found out, the angrier and unglier he got, so I flat out lied or withheld information.
I also believe that NOTHING good can come out of "coming clean", and like BR, I've also inadvertently lurked BS sites (with the intent of finding support) where it's proclaimed that "the truth and nothing but the truth" is the way to go, supposedly because "otherwise you're living a lie". Well, if that's the reason behind deciding to shatter your "chosen one's" world, then the WHOLE truth should come out (and it rarely does), which is more or less that you found your marriage so unbearable for one reason or another, that you had to seek joy and fulfillment elsewhere. But instead, he MM/MW is framed entirely in a light of "betrayer" and the BS as "victim".
I made the mistake of engaging such a woman on a BS site, because she seemed so earnest about wanting to know "why", so I told her my theory of humans not being monogamous creatures by nature, and that marriage is a social construct created when our average life span was 30-40 years, and that spending 15-20 years with one person is one thing, while 50-60 years is quite another and often leads to frustration and resentment (and cheating). I also explained to her that I really loved the MM in my scenario, and that we were on most accounts a better match than our current spouses, and she completely lost it. She hurled every insult you can imagine, dug up every hurtful thing ("you're delusional if you think that's love", "you are nothing but a whore", etc.), which made me think I'd really struck a nerve - she's hellbent on believing her own narrative, and no amount if "information" or "truth" will satisfy or help people such as that. In fact, it made me feel sorry for her that she was that unable to see her own likely role in driving her husband away from her, because I doubt that sort of controlling, possessive behavior is new to her. There's also a lot of "communication is key" type advice, assuming that it hasn't been attempted. Like, dude, when you've tried Every. Single. Way. of communicating your issues and trying to resolve them with honesty and reciprocity, and NOTHING works. Oh, now that I've been caught having my needs met elsewhere suddenly "communication" and "honesty" is important?! But it wasn't when I was faithful and trying to do all the "right" things? :gaah:
I'd say, if you are intent on sacrificing your own happiness and the only life you're given to "save face" in front of friends, family, and neighbors and stay in your shitty marriage, you best continue to live a lie, through and through. Too many people prefer the comfort of the pain they know over the uncertainty of a future with a person who makes them feel alive, and a lot of this is framed as "you're just going to end up having the same problems in the next relationship again". It's like some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. I mean, I'd be a hypocrite if I said I wasn't currently in that situation myself. My excuse? "Waiting for the right moment..." ::)
So that's the long version of "why telling the whole truth isn't always the best plan"...
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... I told her my theory of humans not being monogamous creatures by nature, and that marriage is a social construct created when our average life span was 30-40 years, and that spending 15-20 years with one person is one thing, while 50-60 years is quite another and often leads to frustration and resentment (and cheating).
^^ I agree with much of this.
A friend and I had once joked that maybe the marriage license should be a contract to be evaluated every __ years and the contract either renewed or not at that time.
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I think people in general are too idealistic when they marry, unless they wait until the "shine" has worn off a bit and are able to see each other very clearly. You can fully love someone and still be realistic that "shit happens", and make the deal that if in X years we're unhappy, we can annul this thing, remain friends (hopefully), and try again or stay single if we prefer. But again, people are so idealistic. I know one of my family friends got married and he has A LOT more assets than she, and he asked for a prenup, and she was very, very hurt. She still married him, but I think it really stung her because she took it as "you must not trust/love me as much as I thought you did". Well, he said, we do all that NOW, but what about 10 years from now? His brother had recently been taken to the cleaners in a divorce (no prenup), so I think it made sense in his mind to be super careful. I can still see how it would sting, but on the flipside, if you marry for love, then signing that prenup agreeing to not getting a dime if you [insert chosen offense] shouldn't be a problem...