This is from divorce magazine but is applicable to wnding any relationship.
https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/say-goodbye-with-love/This article has been excerpted from Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray, Ph.D. (HarperCollins Publishers). This supportive and practical guide offers a step-by-step process for healing a broken heart and becoming whole again, including: grieving the loss of love, getting unstuck, finding forgiveness, and 101 ways to heal your heart.
Without a complete understanding of what is required during the healing process, it is easy to get stuck in a variety of undesirable emotional states. It is not uncommon to be gripped by resentment, blame, indifference, guilt, insecurity, hopelessness, or jealousy and envy. These seven attitudes prevent us from fully loving again. They are clear indications that we are in need of healing. When they persist, it is a sign that we are neglecting a part of the healing process.
These seven attitudes are the opposite of the four “healing emotions,” which are anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. With these seven attitudes, neither feeling them nor resisting them will help. The more we feel them, the more painful they become. They are like emotional quicksand: the more we resist them, the more they pull us down.
Each of the seven negative attitudes is a flashing neon sign pointing us in the direction of the pain we are ignoring. When the particular circumstances of our loss prevent us from fully feeling our pain, these negative attitudes arrive to point out what we are missing in the healing process. Each of these attitudes serves the purpose of revealing where in our hearts we are suppressing particular healing feelings and desires. When we are able to locate and heal our hidden pain, then these negative attitudes automatically disappear.
Letting Go of Resentment
The most common of the seven attitudes is resentment, particularly when the marriage or relationship that has ended was not loving or nurturing. We resent that we wasted our time. We resent that our hopes and expectations were not met. Although we gave of ourselves, we did not get back what we needed. No matter how hard we tried, our efforts were never enough for our partner. Though this resentment is certainly appropriate, it is a clear indicator that we are not yet ready to get involved again.
When we feel resentful, our biggest challenge is to say goodbye with forgiveness and love. Although we have a right to feel resentful, our new challenge is to remember the love we once felt and then forgive our ex-partner for his mistakes. By taking the time to grieve our loss fully, it is eventually possible to release all our resentments and to wish our partner well.
To uncover our buried love, each of the four healing emotions may first need to be explored.
We may need to feel the anger that they wasted so much of our lives, betrayed us, or deprived us of the love and support that we deserved.
We may need to feel the sadness that the relationship is over, that we don’t have someone to love, that it didn’t work out.
We may need to feel the fear that we are fools or that we will be fooled again, that we don’t know how to make a relationship work.
We may need to feel the sorrow that we cannot go back and make it work, that we cannot make up for lost time, that we cannot change our partner’s feelings.
Then expressing our feelings of forgiveness and understanding will enable us to remember the love we shared in the beginning. Remembering the love is very important. Forgiveness is not real until we can remember our positive feelings of love for another.
The Meaning of Forgiveness
Sometimes we are unable to forgive because we really do not understand what it means to forgive. We sense that if we forgave our partners and felt love for them, we would have to return to the relationship. This is not true. The best way to say goodbye is with love. We love him, but he is not right for us. If we have to say “I don’t love you anymore” in order to leave a relationship, then we will leave with a closed heart. It is hard to attract love in our lives when our hearts are closed.
On the other hand, when our hearts are open, we are able to recognize more clearly the right person for us. We are most attracted to and will attract partners who have a potential to fulfill us instead of disappointing us. The ability to pick the right person comes from an open heart. If thinking about our past closes our hearts, then it is much more difficult to find the love we seek in the future. Sometimes we may find a loving partner, but we are not able to appreciate what we have.
Letting Go of Blame
Quite often, after ending a relationship, we will simply blame our ex-partner for the problems, feel a huge relief to get out, and then move on. We feel relieved because finally we are out, and we have another chance to find love and happiness. Although this reaction is certainly appropriate, it’s a clear indicator that we are denying a host of unresolved feelings. If we continue to ignore these feelings and just move on, we will tend to attract partners who are perfect to trigger our unresolved feelings.
Men and women commonly feel relief for different reasons. A man feels relief when he blames his partner for their problems, while a woman feels relief that she doesn’t have to feel responsible for the relationship anymore. Although we both feel relief, we need to look a little deeper to heal our hearts and to find the right partner next time. A man is eager to forget what has happened, but he has not yet forgiven. His immediate solution to the failure of his relationship is to find another partner. Although he may have a positive attitude, when similar issues arise in future relationships, he will be quick to blame and will have a more difficult time finding forgiveness.
To find forgiveness, a man needs to explore how he contributed to the problems in the relationship. The more responsible a man feels, the more he is able to forgive. A forgiving and responsible attitude frees him from being too picky or reacting with blame in future relationships.
To forgive and forget, women need first to explore how they were affected by the problems in a relationship. When a woman attempts to forgive too quickly, she may feel a lingering guilt or feeling of unworthiness. If she first takes time to explore the four healing emotions, she is then able to forgive her partner without bearing the unhealthy burden of guilt.
After finding forgiveness without bearing too much responsibility for the problems, the foundation has been laid for a woman to become fully accountable for her contribution to the problems in the relationship. With an attitude of forgiveness and responsibility, she is then empowered to move on with the self-assurance required to begin a new relationship. She is able to recognize that what she suffered in this relationship will not necessarily occur in the next.
If a woman equates having a relationship with sacrifice, then she will resist getting involved again. If a man remembers a past relationship with blame, he may continue to get involved, but when he is required to make normal sacrifices or compromises he is often quick to back out.
When we feel relief at the end of a relationship, our challenge is to continue looking at our feelings. A significant part of why we feel relief is that we can finally stop having all these uncomfortable feelings. Our tendency is to try to forget what happened. Certainly there are times when this strategy works, but it is not appropriate at the end of an intimate relationship. By taking some time to explore our emotions beneath the surface feelings of relief, we will gradually find a whole world of unresolved feelings. Although we are happy to forget and to move on, it is wise to give ourselves permission to resent the whole experience and to feel all four healing emotions. When we don’t have to forget our past to feel better, then we are ready to move into another relationship.
Letting Go of Indifference
When a breakup does not fully involve our feelings, we run the risk of becoming too detached or indifferent. In trying to be reasonable, we run the risk of suppressing our feelings of loss. Since the mind adjusts faster than the heart, a “reasonable” breakup presents a challenge. When two people decide reasonably to end an intimate relationship or a marriage, in their hearts they may still be attached.
Even though we are better off being apart, we must still take time to grieve the loss. We must recognize that some part of us was hoping that this relationship would last. That part of us needs to be heard again and again until the heart is healed.
When we end a relationship reasonably, we must make sure we give our feelings permission to lag behind. It is okay to regret the loss and feel sad even though it was the best decision. Even if breaking up is the smartest decision, we still need to give ourselves a chance to adjust emotionally. If we do not automatically experience feelings of loss, we should begin to look for them.
You can achieve this by remembering the hopes and dreams you felt in the beginning of the relationship. With this awareness, you can begin to feel your sadness about breaking up. From here you can reflect on what happened that you didn’t want to happen and explore feelings of anger and then forgiveness.
You must feel your fear that you could be making a big mistake and your sorrow that you cannot make it work. It is okay if you continue to feel occasional longings to go back and make it work. This is all part of the process of letting go. Having these feelings does not mean that you should act on them. If you are feeling needy and desperate, then this is definitely not the time to consider returning.
Staying in touch with our feelings of loss, even though our minds clearly are not attached, allows us to keep our hearts open. Breaking up in a very reasonable or detached manner can easily be covering up a lifetime of hidden hurt, disappointment, and sadness. If you are unable to find a way into your feelings of loss, then it is advisable to look back to another loss in your life. Somewhere in your past, something happened that blocked your ability to feel fully your need for love. Go back and remember a time when you were young but you had to be strong. A time when there was no one you could turn to. A time when you didn’t feel safe to share your pain and so you made the reasonable decision to hold it in until it was finally safe. Well, now’s the time to explore these feelings. By getting in touch with each of the four levels and then fully feeling your forgiveness and love, you will be ready to move on.
Letting go of guilt when a relationship ends, there are generally two kinds of guilt we may feel. We feel guilty for all the possible ways we have hurt and disappointed our partner, or we feel guilty because we are ending the relationship. We promised our love and now we are breaking our promise. Whether we feel one or both types of guilt, the solution is the same: to release guilt our challenge is to forgive ourselves.
Although feeling guilty is a normal response to making a mistake, it is not healthy when we continue to feel guilty after recognizing our mistake. Guilt becomes toxic when we hear its message but then cannot release it with self-forgiveness. Guilt is toxic when it prevents us from feeling good about ourselves and our lives.
Just as some people hold on to feeling hurt in response to an injustice, others may hold on to feeling guilty for what they have done or not done. Feeling hurt and guilty are inextricably connected because the antidote for both is forgiveness. To release our hurt, we must forgive another. To release our guilt, we must forgive ourselves.
When we feel guilty after ending a relationship, it is a clear sign that we have not yet healed our hearts. Quite often, we are unable to forgive ourselves until we feel that others can forgive us.
It is not necessary that our ex-partner forgives us. It would be too limiting to think that our ex must forgive us before we can feel good about ourselves. It is helpful to write an in-depth apology letter sharing your mistakes and hoping that one day your ex can forgive you. In the meantime, it is most useful to find a therapist or support group and begin to share all that you feel guilty about. Their nonjudgmental and accepting response will help you forgive yourself.
Usually, when people feel guilty about leaving their partners, they too have been left in their past. They personally know the pain of rejection and abandonment, and so they feel particularly guilty for inflicting that pain on another. When this guilt emerges, it is because their own pain of being left is still unresolved.
If we feel guilt in leaving a partner, it is a very useful exercise to remember times in our past when we have been left or hurt.
Some people hold on to guilt because they believe that they are bad and should feel guilty for leaving a partner who feels hurt, betrayed, or abandoned. This is incorrect thinking. If we realize that a relationship is not right for us, then it cannot be right for our partner. The greatest gift we can give someone is the opportunity to find love. If we are unable to get what we need in a relationship, then we can never give another what he needs. We will feel too resentful. Only by leaving him will he be free to find the love he needs.
There are basically four ways our minds will suppress our emotional reactions to cause us to feel guilty about leaving. They are denial, justification, rationalization, and self-blame. Let’s look at each in greater detail.
Denial. We say to ourselves that our partner really didn’t mistreat us. We ignore what happened. To overcome being stuck in denial, we need to feel our anger. Anger reveals what happened that we didn’t want, which we might otherwise overlook.
Justification. We defend what happened by making excuses for our partner. We might say, “Well, he didn’t mean to do it.” To overcome being stuck in justification, we need to feel our sadness. Sadness reminds us of what we are not getting instead of focusing on the reasons he didn’t support us.
Rationalization. We tell ourselves that what happened really doesn’t matter so much for a variety of reasons. We might say, “It could be much worse.” To overcome being stuck in rationalizations, we need to feel our fear of never getting what we want and need. Fear helps us to recognize what is important to us and not just what is important to our partner.
Self-Blame. We blame ourselves for provoking unwanted behavior. We might say, “If I had approached him differently, then he would not have. . .” Or “She did that, but I did this.” To overcome being stuck in self-blame, we need to feel our sorrow. Sorrow assists us in recognizing what we cannot change. By feeling powerless to change our partner, we stop imagining that we are responsible for his or her mistreatment of us.
When these four tendencies prevent us from feeling our negative emotions, they are a problem. By taking the time to explore our negative feelings, we can clearly recognize the truth of a situation. Then we can make a decision to leave without feeling bad or guilty.
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