It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us. Rather than ending the relationship because our partner is inadequate or abusive in some way, end the relationship with forgiveness, but also with a recognition that he is not the right person for you. Letting go of insecurity.
When a relationship ends, we sometimes cling to the hope of reconciliation to cope with our fears and insecurity. This holding onto hope protects us from having to confront our fears and from feeling the depth of our loss. As long as we believe we may get back together, we do not have to consider starting over. Although we may experience some relief, living in the hope of getting back together actually prevents us from completing the healing process.
Even if there really is some hope of reconciliation, the best way to open that door is first to acknowledge emotionally that right now it is not only closed, but locked. We need to let go of hope in order to feel fully and release our pain. Although this is the best thing we can do for ourselves, it is also the best way to unlock the door of reconciliation.
When a relationship ends, it can only be rebuilt on a new foundation of understanding and forgiveness. As long as we are holding on to our hurt, then we have not fully forgiven our partner. When we continue to hurt, it can cause our partner to continue feeling guilt. Anything we say or do to make him feel guilty will only make it more difficult for him to find a desire to return.
If reconciliation is to happen, both partners must change in some way. By fully grieving the end of a relationship, we are eventually able to release our hurt with forgiveness, understanding, and gratitude. By releasing our pain, we are able to find an inner strength and trust that we can get the love we need.
With this new unattached awareness, we are no longer needy, desperate, clingy, anxious, or insecure. In this healthy state of mind and heart, we are then capable of making the necessary adjustments in ourselves either to attract our partner back or to recognize that she is not right for us. By successfully grieving the end of a relationship, we are able either to reconcile or to find a new and better relationship for ourselves.
Letting Go of Helplessness
Sometimes if we have been victims of abuse, neglect, deception, deprivation, abandonment, or betrayal, we can continue to feel like victims when a relationship ends. Though it’s certainly true that we have been victimized, by ending the relationship, we are now free to get what we need. We are no longer victims, but fully responsible once again for what we get.
Although in our minds we recognize that we are no longer victims, we may still feel as if we are victims. As a result, we feel hopeless to ever get what we need and deserve. Unless we learn to let go of this hopelessness, we will not be motivated to make the right choices to find love.
This tendency to feel like a victim is understandable, but it is not healthy. Feeling hopeless is a clear indication that we have layers and layers of unresolved pain. Our challenge is to heal our hurt and find our ability to trust again. Without an understanding of how to release our pain, this attitude can be so strong that for the rest of our lives we feel we are still being victimized by our past. These are some examples of unhealthy victim thinking:
Because of what happened I will never be happy.
Because of what happened my life is ruined.
Because of what happened I wasted my life.
Because of what happened I will never be able to love again.
Because of what happened I will never be able to trust again.
Because of what happened I am too tired to start over.
Because of what happened I am not willing to be loving.
Because of what happened I am too bitter ever to love again.
Because of what happened I have nothing left to give.
I am alone today and will never find love because of what happened.
I will always resent what happened. My best years are gone.
Rather than being limited by these beliefs, we can use them as a springboard for diving into the pool of our unresolved feelings. For example, if I am believing that “I will never love again,” then I can take time to explore my feelings of fear. From there I can look at other times in my life when I could have had similar fears.
Certainly, during the healing process it is understandable to have many of the above beliefs, but our goal is to identify incorrect thinking. By recognizing that we are caught in victim beliefs, we can begin to process the negative emotions associated with these beliefs. By triggering our inner healing response, our intuitive wisdom, receptivity, and creativity are automatically accessed. By turning on the light of our inner wisdom, the darkness of these victim beliefs is dispelled.
When we continue to blame our past for our pain, then the pain we feel today has everything to do with our past and nothing to do with our present reality. The unresolved pain from our past prevents us from fully experiencing the possibilities of the present. Until we heal our hearts, we will be unable to reach our inner power to create a new life. Instead, to various degrees, we will continue to suffer the pain of our past.
Letting Go of Jealousy and Envy
When a marriage or relationship ends, sometimes our reaction is jealousy. Besides being a thorn in our side, jealousy prevents us from sharing in the good fortune of others. Although jealousy does block our ability to love, it is still important to identify so that we can work to heal it.
Jealousy and envy come up in a variety of ways. A few examples are listed below:
We discover that our ex-partner is happy or having a good time. We may suddenly feel irritated or annoyed. Our annoyance comes from jealousy.
When our children or others say good things about our ex-partner, we may begin to feel uncomfortable. Our discomfort comes from envy.
When we imagine our ex-partner enjoying and loving someone else, we feel excluded and hurt. Our hurt comes from jealousy.
Their happiness makes us miserable, while their misery brings us delight. Our glee and our misery both come from jealousy.
If we see a couple in love we begin to think, “It won’t last.” Our cynical attitude comes from envy.
Jealousy has many expressions and ways that it makes our life miserable. Rather than suffer the symptoms of jealousy, we can use it to heal ourselves. Jealousy is a clear indicator that we are denying a host of unfulfilled desires and ignoring our unresolved feelings.
Jealousy arises when someone else has what we are wanting. Envy arises when we tell ourselves that we are happy with what we have when really we are not and we want more. It is like a pointer that helps us to discover what we are hiding from ourselves. If I am envious of another’s success, then I am wanting more success. If I am jealous that another is being loved or acknowledged, then I too am wanting to be loved. Jealousy and envy reveal what we are secretly wanting.
When we want something but believe we cannot have it, one of the ways to avoid feeling the pain of disappointment is to minimize the want or even deny it. We reason, “If I can’t have it then it really isn’t that important. I didn’t want it anyway.” If some hidden part of us is still wanting it, when someone else gets it, we are jealous.
Unless we are able to share in the happiness and success of others, our chances of being happy and fulfilled are diminished. As long as we feel jealous or envious, we are actually pushing away the very thing we want in life. Envy is clearly a sign that we are denying our potential to manifest what we want in life.
Jealousy is one of the most agonizing emotional states. Like each of the other six negative attitudes, the more we feel jealousy, the more painful and agonizing it becomes.
A touch of envy says, “You have what I want,” but painful jealousy says, “You have what I want and I am in pain because I do not have it.” Envy is actually a great guide that reveals where within ourselves we need to process our feelings and release our pain. If we do not confront and heal these deeper feelings, we will unknowingly obstruct or push away the very love, happiness, and success that we want.
Rather than being caught in the grip of jealousy, we can use this negative attitude to feel our deeper healing emotions. Let’s say you are feeling jealous that your ex-partner is getting remarried. Rather than being jealous, uncomfortable, resentful, or critical, you could explore or write out the following kinds of feelings.
An Exploration of Feelings with Underlying Jealousy
Fear
I am afraid that I will not find the right person for me. I am afraid that I am not doing the right things.
I am afraid that I am not good enough.
I am afraid that others will think I was the problem in our marriage.
I am afraid that I don’t know what to do to find love. I am afraid that I am making a big mistake.
I am afraid no one will want me.
Sadness
I am sad that I am not getting married again.
I am sad that our marriage broke up.
I am sad that no one wants me.
I am sad that I am still unmarried.
I am sad that I have not found someone for me.
Anger
I am angry that I am still single.
I am angry that our marriage ended.
I am angry that they are happy and I am not.
I am angry that I am still looking for love.
I am angry that I have to start over.
I am angry that they are getting the attention and not me.
I am angry that when we were married he/she wasn’t so open.
Sorrow
I am sorry that I can’t be happy for them.
I am sorry that I can’t trust love.
I am sorry that our marriage failed.
I am sorry that I am not the one getting married.
I am sorry that I can’t find the right person for me.
I am sorry that I can’t find someone who loves me that way.
Intention
I want to get married again.
I want to find love.
I want to forgive my ex-partner.
I don’t want to be so critical and jealous.
I want to love again.
I want to trust love.
I want to get married.
I want to feel good and happy again.
Positive feelings of forgiveness, understanding, gratitude, and trust n I forgive my ex for hurting me.
I forgive my ex for betraying me. I forgive my ex for changing and not loving me anymore.
I forgive all my friends for liking him, too.
I understand that he deserves to be happy.
I understand that we were just not right for each other.
I am grateful for the opportunity to find love again.
I am grateful for the love I do have in my life.
I am grateful for my friends and family.
I trust that I will find love again.
I trust that I am in the process of getting everything that I need.
In this example, rather than being caught up in feelings of jealousy, a person can go a little deeper to feel the deeper emotions bottled up inside. After exploring the negative feelings, then the bottled-up positive feelings have a chance to come up as well.
Healing Our Past
Rather than being limited by the seven negative attitudes, we can use them to discover and heal the unresolved feelings in our heart. As long as we are stuck in any of these seven attitudes, we are not yet ready to get involved again. To experience the limitless possibilities for love and happiness that are available, we must be able to heal the wounds of our past.
When we eventually are able to celebrate the ending of a relationship and be grateful for the lessons we learned, we have fully released and healed our hearts. If we were mistreated in a relationship, then certainly we are not grateful for the mistreatment, but we are grateful for the strength and wisdom we have gained as a result of letting go and then healing our hearts.
