Affairs: fantasy vs. reality

[Hidden]

ClubTOW members: Please be aware this post is in the Public Section of the forum for guests to read.  (TMI rules apply as usual.)


I'd been thinking about the reasons WHY any of us have found ourselves involved in (past or present) affairs when I'd stumbled across the following in in this blog article from Psychology Today: 

When affairs begin, a person typically doesn't fall in love with the other person, at least not initially. They're actually "falling in love" with the fantasy (in their very own mind) about the other person. In other words, they're falling for the image of the other person they've created in their own mind. The affair partner is simply a construct, a made-up image -- someone, they imagine, who will meet their every need.

Affairs, at their core, are about longing and a deep need for external validation. Who doesn't like someone telling them they look or smell good, or confirming that another person is attracted to them? Who doesn't like to feel that someone values them? Again, many individuals that have an affair are not "falling in love" with the other person; they are "falling in love" with this new, wonderful image of themselves -- an image that's receiving praise and external validation.

I'll confess that I'm 'cherry picking' at this article a bit in that there was a bit of conversation in the Comments section I found myself drawn to (and something I've also questioned):

• Is there a difference between falling in love with the 'fantasy' of that person versus actually being in love with them?
• What is the difference between what the author describes and falling in love with anyone?

And this response (from another commenter):  "This is a common way of writing about marriage and affairs. You even see it on the Dr. Phil show, and by various writers of marriage self-help books. They describe the love that led to a marriage with positive adjectives, and the love in an affair as "being in the fog", or "unrealistic", as if the initial love the married couple felt for each other was any less of a "fog of unreality". It's just a way of spinning a morally acceptable difference between two things which are psychologically and chemically the same."


Thoughts?






Edit: Correcting special characters from quote.

[Hidden]

While I do not believe every affair has the same characteristics (and there are so many "types of affairs" I don't know that they're worth categorizing even), I guess I can understand how for some affair partners it can start as a person providing validation, and in essence is a mere fantasy ...

I just don't imagine a fantasy can be sustained for very long, and quite agree with the commenter who'd responded as affairs being in "the fog" as some morally acceptable spin. 

[Hidden]

While I have witnessed and been told about many affairs being just a physical thing, I have seen far more that typically started as more of an emotional affair well before it ever went physical.

And lumping affairs into that of being "the fog" or just fantasy is attempting to make them trivial.  Less real.  And the people who are involved are trying to escape reality, live in a dream world.

It seems that there are those who would rather justify it that way than face the fact that there is always a reason that an affair begins.  Something is missing from the relationship that is being sought else where.

I don't attempt to justify my affair.  I would have rather we found each other another way.  But I know why I ended up in it and what I was looking for and needing. 

[Hidden]

Articles like this are why hard scientists laugh at psychologists 

"Three main chemicals are released during this initial stage of affair—dopamine, which is also activated by cocaine and nicotine; norepinephrine, otherwise known as adrenaline; and serotonin, one of love's most important chemicals."

These are exactly the same chemicals that are "released" when falling in love. Or when eating something sweet. Or going skydiving.  You can draw no conclusions whatsoever about how "real" or otherwise the feelings in an affair are from this information.

(Also, cocaine does not RELEASE dopamine, it prevents it being reabsorbed and deactivated. Subtle but important distinction. Not sure about nicotine, but anyway....)

Much as I would chew broken glass before getting involved with a married man again, this I know - at some point in that f'ked up situation, L loved me.  Maybe not much, maybe not for long and maybe not in a healthy way, but he did love me. And I loved him.  The situation was foul, but the feelings weren't.  Pretending otherwise would just be another form of justification and rationalising - and I did enough of that when I was IN the damn affair, so I'm sure as hell not going to do it now I'm free! 

Echoing [Hidden] above, I wonder if people write and read these articles because the idea that people can fall in and out of love within a marriage is just too frightening to accept?  Looking back to the time before me and my husband split up... it's hard to write this, but the truth is he fell out of love with me because of life circumstances that neither of us had the experience to handle.  He didn't want to, but he did - and he fell in love with someone else.  It was horrible, but it happens.  And then I fell out of love with him too, that's why I could fall in love with L.

Now, I could choose to brush that reality aside and euphemistically call it "a bad patch" and that my feelings for L were just a product of my vulnerability, but that isn't going to be very helpful to us in the long term.  I feel it's healthier to acknowledge that H and I fell out of love, broke up, stayed (mostly) friends and then through that friendship and (occasionally misguided) loyalty to each other, fell back in love again.  Terrifying, messy, and largely uncontrollable.  But reality as I see it, nonetheless.

[Hope]

I agree with almost everything that OYF said. I also believe that more of the fantasy or rationalizing and denial occurs in the affair. You have to. That was also the central focus of my therapy.

I'd also rather chew glass, what an absolute nightmare that was. It was like getting nothing yet trying to convince myself it was enough for years.

[Hope]

The reality is, if he wanted to be with me, he would be. He did want her more than me. It is irrelevant why.

The fantasy was my believing anything different. That happened in the affair and was the fantasy.

[Hidden]

(((((hugs))))) Hope.

I don't think you can know that it was about her Vs you.  If that were always the case, my H would've left when he went goigly-eyed for Madam,, cos sure as hell he didn't want me at that time!  But you/we do know that they didn't want to change their lives.  And you're right - beyond that, it doesn't really matter why. That's for them to figure out. We just keep doing us.

[Hope]

You stated it perfectly, and the truth is I didn't want to change mine. I wasn't happy in it, and I couldn't imagine life with all it came with out of it. Icky situation, and icky getting out. Super painful. I am so glad it's over. Never again. 

[Hidden]

And lumping affairs into that of being "the fog" or just fantasy is attempting to make them trivial.  Less real.  And the people who are involved are trying to escape reality, live in a dream world.

It seems that there are those who would rather justify it that way than face the fact that there is always a reason that an affair begins.  Something is missing from the relationship that is being sought else where.

The notion of an affair partner being in "the fog" seems to be prevalent in BS forums; I would agree that it's a mechanism attempting to make the affair a trivial, not "real" notion.  I suppose that it may be easier for a BS to believe in "the fog" than the possibility their spouse has fallen in love with someone else. 

I've sometimes believed "the fog" is also utilized as a way to shame the wandering spouse back into compliance with marriage vows. 

I can also see where it could be a case of something missing from the primary relationship (marriage) being sought elsewhere, especially in a situation where the married couple hasn't actually grown together over the years (or have actually grown further apart).  Without working together/communicating, it's easy to see where one, or possibly both, would look elsewhere. 

I wonder if people write and read these articles because the idea that people can fall in and out of love within a marriage is just too frightening to accept?  Looking back to the time before me and my husband split up... it's hard to write this, but the truth is he fell out of love with me because of life circumstances that neither of us had the experience to handle.  He didn't want to, but he did - and he fell in love with someone else.  It was horrible, but it happens.  And then I fell out of love with him too, that's why I could fall in love with L.

 
You may be onto something here ... I feel many of us are capable of only being able to handle one love relationship at a time; that to be able to fully engage in an affair, one may need to either 'fall out of love' with their primary relationship, or nudge the love/emotions to the side in order to accommodate love/emotions for the affair partner.  (From my own perspective, I have dated several guys at a time in the past, but when becoming "serious" about one person there are no other guys simply because my heart only has room for the one love interest.   Others mileage may vary.)

[Hidden]

It felt like love to me. At least love as I understood it at the time. In retrospect, I am now understanding we had limited intimacy. Was our relationship 'fake', in a fog, fantasy? It felt genuine to me. However, it seems there were some subconscious behaviors going on -certainly on my side of the relationship. I am facing that now & trying to come to terms with my personal growth. Ever look in the mirror?

[Hidden]

It felt like love to me. At least love as I understood it at the time. In retrospect, I am now understanding we had limited intimacy. Was our relationship 'fake', in a fog, fantasy? It felt genuine to me.

I have no doubt that it truly was real love for you at the time.   

Had both of you had been single when meeting and starting/carrying on a relationship a majority of people would not label either of you as being in a fake/fantasy/"fog" -- but those labels are applied to those in affairs (oftentimes by a betrayed spouse) for a variety of reasons, most likely anger and denial, IMO. 

However, it seems there were some subconscious behaviors going on -certainly on my side of the relationship. I am facing that now & trying to come to terms with my personal growth. Ever look in the mirror?

  ... or some spiffy rose-colored glasses?   

I do think it can be especially difficult for those of us who are/have been in long term affairs to wonder if there is some red flag(s) we're missing in our own (or affair partners) behaviors.  Although, the same could be said of any type of relationship where trust is involved.

[Hidden]

I agree that it probably started out as a fog but no one can tell me, that after all this time, it's not love.

I think we have both been more to each other than our respective spouses ever have, each of us filling up the other with what has always been lacking in our Ms.

If not for a blib in the past we'd likely be together now.  If it makes the BS feel better to call it a fog and not real love then I'll give them that.

[Hidden]

Regarding topic of "subconscious issues" for accepting being the other woman. VS "rose-colored glasses".  It was definitely 'subconscious issues' and not 'rose-colored glasses'. 20 years ago, I saw my now XMM's controlling personality. I knew that type of 'controlling' man was 'attractive' to me but I knew I didn't want to be in a full-time relationship with that 'controlling' type personality. So being the quiet, drama-free Other Woman worked for me.

Totally unexpected events 20 years later, brought awareness to the high likelihood that I had repeated my childhood trauma. The 3-ring circus was something that was familiar. While my years as the other woman were very low drama, and happy, personal growth may have been a healthier option.

[Hidden]

Fascinating article and conversation. I can only speak from my own experience. I was not/had never been married. I was extremely independent and had zero desire to get married therefore zero desire to even date. I was very happy with my life and career and was not going to let anyone "interfere."

Well, along came Love. We initially came to know one another through social media; we had graduated from the same university around the same time and lived in the same metro area. Somehow that led to a connection. Over the period of many months we exchanged brief, public messages, and I never thought anything of it.

One day we wound up at the same social gathering. I saw him and immediately thought, "Oh." And then he introduced me to his then-wife. 

Turns out we had mutual friends and started to bump in to one another more and more. Then, he came up with the idea that we should start a business project together. It sounded fun, so we did. We became friends, and over time I realized that something definitely was not right with his marriage. I started to realize that I was developing feelings for him. I also started to realize that it was mutual.

It freaked me out a bit, and yet we continued to grow closer. Finally, one day, he leaned in to kiss me, and I left abruptly. Probably a week later, we had our first "date."

He moved in with me a year later and was divorced not long after that. It was an incredibly turbulent couple of years, and as difficult as it was, I wouldn't trade it for anything. We were married two years later. I love him more with each passing day and we have built/are building an amazing life together. I can't imagine life without him, and I know he feels the same way about me.

Not all affairs can be categorized as the same.

[Hidden]

Mine started out as purely physical.  He asked me if I wanted to play because I am single and he isn't getting any at home.  No expectations, no fog.  But the more time we spent together and the longer conversations we had, we ended up falling deeply in love.  Feels real to me.