I am done being your dirty little secret

[Hope]

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/01/im-done-being-your-dirty-little-secret/

I related a lot to this article, especially the part about always trying to convince myself that what I was getting was enough. It is as though, a part of the dynamic of being the OW is this false belief that it SHOULD be. For me, that was part of the denial of what I was doing to myself. I also related to the hiding of emotions, he couldn't hear it because then he'd have to face up to the damage he was causing and he'd lose that extra. He needed that outlet for reasons of his own that had very little to do with me. ME: I was just settling and destroying myself from the inside out.

The other thing that I constantly did was try to validate my importance to him. I would say things like: He takes risks for me, or he calls when he can...this constant focus on the crumbs while ignoring the elephant in the room; he was at home where he wanted to be, he had chosen her. What it took for me to deny this was absolutely exhausting. I also would tell myself that I chose to be there, I signed up for it, therefore, owning too much of the responsibility which fed my denial of how out of control I was. The A was my relationship rock bottom and that bottom had a shovel in it.

An absolute addiction to a person and nothing more. Why else would I stay in that pain? I am so glad to be out of that turmoil and cycle.

[Hope]

Loved these quotes:

“Oh sweetheart, he will never tell you all his secrets if you’re a secret.” ~ Alfa

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”
~ Louis C.K.

"Could you really love me out loud?"

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Hope

An absolute addiction to a person and nothing more. Why else would I stay in that pain? I am so glad to be out of that turmoil and cycle.

I'm so glad you're out of it too and sharing your thoughts and journey with us here.  It helps!

It is a different perspective/experience that I've had (probably many more OW/MM could relate to you), but I value all that you've learned.

 

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> he had chosen her

Had he, though? If he'd chosen her, he wouldn't be with anyone else at the same time <all the hugs>

For me, the part that still makes me wince a little was that L *didn't* choose - he chose to not choose. And I chose to enable that. Never again! 

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I read the article and teared up. It didn't all fit for me, but lots of it did. I saved it!  Who knows. I might decide to send it to him one day. I know he does not realize how much this R has hurt and changed me. I would like him to know at some point.

[Hope]

Thanks, Zoe! I was never happy in the A but I did love Cam deeply which made ending it very difficult. I also spend 40 hours a week with him and neither of us took time off except for vacation. We also ate breakfast and lunch together daily as well as had sex several times a week for most of it. Early on daily and sometimes twice a day. Because of the nature of the job, we had a lot of flexibility. He'd tell me goodbye and I love you every day and then head home to his W.  That lasted 4 years, and it should have ended in 4 minutes. Nobody deserves that type of pain.

I have mentioned many times here that deep down, I didn't want to build a life with Cam. I have no reason today to question that, I know it is true. I did want him to love me, need me, and love/want me more than her. The truth is, he loved/needed us both. That is NOT how life works unless you are a greedy asshole (CAKEMAN).

I loved him and so many things about him but there were some things that I know I wouldn't have been happy with long-term. One is: I don't want kids and I don't want to raise someone else's. I also was unwilling to take on the financial burden. I never told him that, but I believe he knew.

OYF: I know what you mean, I think that more than anything I am angry at me for putting up with that for years. I knew he wasn't leaving and he never told me he would. I also never asked him to. Ever. I was soooo emotionally hooked.

Malost: Cam and Jim are both selfish, and because of that selfishness they aren't able to see it. That is why Cam keeps doing it, in his screwed up mind he thinks he's helping by giving someone a "little" love. EGO. He doesn't comprehend that by not giving all of his love, he is using and abusing women. OR, maybe he does know, but his selfishness keeps him doing it. Always remember, It isn't Jim's job to know and relieve your pain, it is yours.