The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for The Other Woman

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**This article is from the Huffington Post 2014 

By Zondra Hughes

A close male friend (who used to cheat on his wife) has enlightened me that some of us otherwise intelligent chicks enter into the Sidepiece Agreement — that is, knowingly becoming the mistress or other woman — without fully understanding the terms of the deal.


My friend should know; he had a lover that stalked his wife and told her everything after they broke up. His wife gave him another chance and my friend seems to be on the good foot these days.


However, my friend explained the dirty details of what men expect of their sidepieces, even if they don’t explain the rules as thoroughly as they should. Thus, without further ado, here are the top 10 rules that men expect their sidepieces to know.


1. You are the other woman. This does not mean that you are the only other woman. Act accordingly.


2. Please focus on the stolen moments that we spend together. Do not concern yourself with my whereabouts when we are apart. Frankly speaking, my life outside of our time together is not your concern.


3. Be comfortable with who you are to me; do not mention my wife and/or main woman, as she is not your concern. Do NOT compare yourself to my main chick in any way and do not attempt to contact her — to do so would be a breach of our agreement.


4. Anticipate frequent changes in our plans; for the most part, a spur of the moment escape is the best that I can do.


5. You must understand that maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each other’s company is vital to the success of our situationship. No bickering or nagging about promises that I didn’t keep.


6. We are secret lovers; we can’t blast our situationship to the world. Please don’t tag me on Facebook, and don’t send me invitations to your work/family functions or events. Major holidays — more likely than not — will be missed.


7. No discussions about “where this situationship is headed.” We are where we will be; together, in this moment. Enjoy it.


8. Yes, I am still sleeping with my significant other, and we do not use condoms. Again, focus on our time together, and not what I do while we are apart.


9. I am not interested in bringing a child into our situationship. By the way, an unplanned pregnancy will not force a relationship commitment of any kind from me nor will it guarantee a promotion to main chick status for you.


10. There are no guarantees about the outcome of our situationship save one: I am a cheater at heart, and that won’t change unless I want it to.  Until that happens, if you are promoted to the main chick, please know that yet another sidepiece will fill the vacancy that you’ve left behind.


And one last piece of advice that my friend wants sidepieces to know: If you choose to enter into a situationship with someone do not get emotionally attached, as things won’t be easy for you if and when you separate.

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When I first came across this article, I found it offensive because there is much more to my affair than these "implied" rules.  However, I can say, "yeah...that's what it's been like at times..."

As other women, we also have some rules of our own that we expect of our MMs.

From my own personal experience, I can say that I expect this from my MM.  Here's my short list:

1. Consistency    You are a piece of my life and I can't wait around hoping you'll contact me.  Find a time that works for me and stick to it. 

2. Contact   You're not available full-time, but be available for my needs.  You can't be in it, if you're a no show. 

3.  I don't care to hear everything about your significant other, your family, your work,your problems, your hobbies...everything you do outside of our affair. I'm not your "live" journal, counselor or think tank.

4.  No promises that I can't keep.  If I meet another SG, MM or someone that I want to be serious with, we're done.  I don't owe you anything else. I choose NOT to juggle relationships.  I was never "yours" and visa versa.  Oh..until it's serious, I may sleep with both of you. 

5. Don't ask me about whom I'm seeing or whom I'm dating. It has nothing to do with you.

6.  I have an active life outside of our "bubble".  You are just a piece of the puzzle.  Take the time that I give to you now.  There are no guarantees that I will want "this" tomorrow.

7.  Holidays are low contact times, but it only takes a minute to contact me and let me know you're thinking of me...when you say that you are. 

8.   I require emotion out of you....or, what's the point?!

9.  Being careful is not just my concern.  Honestly, I have nothing to hide! I'm single.  I also do not want a Dday--or the ramifications of one.   Take being discreet seriously.  No dumb-sh*t moves.  Protect our communication, your phone & devices you contact me with.   Keep your mouth shut!! Stop telling your close buds or trusted Uncle about me. 

10.  I expect to talk about our relationship and where it's heading, or where it's not heading.  Don't promise me you're leaving your marriage when you know you never will.  Don't assume that's what I want.

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She sounds like a wife.

Even though I don't like the way this is written, I do agree it is accurate for the most part. It really boils down to MM not wanting consequences for his behaviors and doing what is easier for him no matter who he hurts; he wants to do as little as possible while getting the positive benefits of a relationship. Oh...actually two relationships. What a dick.

They come around as long as we let them. I am quite convinced that it will never end unless we end it. They'll emotionally suck the life out of us as long as we allow. They're always going to stick their feet back in because of their selfishness. If it was about us, they would leave us the hell alone. They're emotional vampires and cowards.

I had rules within our affair.

-Don't contact me in any form outside of work. I'd rather not hear from you ever than wait for your call.
-Don't talk about your kids, wife, family members or anything to do with your outside life.
-Don't expect me to be faithful to you and know I am single.

Now that's a "relationship"! 

Regardless, of all my "rules" or attempts at control, the guy was keeping me stuck and gnawing away at my self-esteem. I was compromising my integrity and settling for a whole lot of nothing.

Zoe: I do love #10 "Don't assume that's what I want." I never wanted to be with Cam. I wouldn't want the guy if he were single. Even though I loved him and was super addicted to the affair, he's not what I want in a long-term partner. It makes me giggle because he knows it. He know's I didn't want him either. It also makes me giggle that I was sneaking around on him too. My doing that kept me half sane but fed my delusional as well. It was kind of a double edge sword.

Hope






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[Hope]

Allow me to correct myself: I can't sneak around on some married guy who's at home with his wife and it's none of HIS business what or who I do. I also don't need to ask his permission.

Don't ask and he didn't. Smart man.

Basically, la la land was our rule but la la land didn't stop the pain, it only prolonged it.

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I think most relationships (of any type) have certain "rules" or expectations ... it's all a matter of whether both parties are aware of the "rules" and are agreeable to them.